Heroes Just Don't Understand
by lemnlime7
Summary: Nintendo's two biggest bad guys commiserate over coffee about the difficulties and hardships of being a villain in a hero's world.


"It's been a while, Bowser," greets the dark-complexioned man with the long cape.

"Pleasure to see you again, Ganondorf," indicates the enormous, spikey-shelled turtle/lizard/monster...thing.

"I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to meet with me," the dark lord adds. He takes a seat at the most isolated corner of the coffee shop with his expresso in tow.

"Likewise, old friend." Bowser somehow manages to sit in his own seat normally even though it would appear to any outsider that his shell wouldn't be capable of bending like that or that he would simply crush the chair under his weight. "First, credit where credit is due. I heard about how you managed to vanquish that lousy rat, Link, on your latest takeover attempt and to make it last for an impressive hundred years. You have the entire villainry community in an uproar over your resounding victory. Congratulations." Bowser celebrates with a few claps of his scaly hands.

"Thank you kindly," responds Ganondorf. "However, depending on what timeline you believe in, that may not have been the only instance I've managed to defeat him."

"You're referring to the branching timeline following the events surrounding the Ocarina of Time if I'm not mistaken?"

"Exactly."

"Heh. I'm so glad my timeline is so simple...mainly because there really isn't any!" Bowser chuckles.

"Alas, that annoying brat simply keeps reincarnating and coming back for more," Ganondof laments. "It's quite embarrassing to be bested by a single puny kid even once, let alone multiple times after centuries of meticulous planning and plotting. Tch, he always just shows up with those damn light arrows and glowing sword and ruins everything, as if it were his destiny or something..."

"Heh, you're telling me. I think Mario's about knee-high to...uh...my knee," Bowser says oh-so eloquently, "but he still keeps finding ways to butt-stomp me to oblivion. And that's not even mentioning the inconsistency in my size from one day to the next. Today I'm small enough to fit into this coffee shop, but tomorrow I could be big enough to trample this whole town!"

"I understand your pain perfectly. The unnatural size with which we are bestowed can be both a blessing and a curse. I'm sure you're well-aware that this form I'm currently in is not my natural state. People are so horrified by my normal appearance that I simply can't go out anymore without a disguise. It's simply the way I was born! Why must people judge me solely by appearance? It makes me so angry I could just...!"

Ganondorf's expression suddenly makes the transformation from calm to notably aggressive, his teeth clenched and hands curled into tight fists. He emits a low, guttural growl before cooling down again. "Oh, bother. Heroes just don't understand the hardships we so-called 'villains' have to face."

"You're preaching to the choir, Gan," Bowser chimes in. "They could never understand the stares we've been on the receiving end of all our lives, or how hard it is for us to make friends because of our glaring differences, or how impossible it is to lead an honest life even if we wanted to since no one will hire us because of the blatant _prejudice_ we face everywhere..."

"If you ask me, the good guys should fix the system first if they don't want us to keep repeating the same antisocial behavior," Ganondorf comments. "Of course we're just going to keep terrorizing kingdoms and kidnapping princesses if for no other reason than that's the only way of life we've ever known! No one ever taught me how to run a farm or build a house or anything that could help me earn an honest living and people have called me evil since as far back as I can remember! Do they have any idea what that does to a young boy's psyche?"

"Yep, been there, done that," Bowser commiserates. "Despite having years of minion management experience, no employer has been able to appreciate how that could translate into a legitimate line of work, thus leaving me no choice but to become a career criminal."

"Yes, effective minion management is definitely a fine art, not an exact science. Why, there's at least one revolt in my ranks every month no matter what I do. Usually it's regarding work hours and pay. You would think they'd be overjoyed to be given the opportunity to serve a powerful overlord regardless of the pay and working conditions, but alas, they're constantly threatening to unionize if I don't pay them at least a livable wage and give them rest breaks every few days or so."

"I've found that you'll receive better results by instilling fear in them early on and threatening them on a regular basis than to mess around with paychecks, rations, and the like. Let them fend for themselves. It'll weed out the weak and useless ones, anyway!" Bowser declares with a hearty laugh.

"That's a great idea. I may have to try that."

"Let me know how it works out for ya." Bowser finishes off the rest of his coffee before adding, "Well, old chum, I wish I could stay and shoot the breeze with you all day but it's time for me to get back to the daily grind."

"Oh, ho, ho! Are you in such a rush to go because you don't want to miss a round of golf or tennis with your arch-nemesis?" Ganondorf ribs.

"Hey!" Bowser protests. "I'll have you know that I only spend leisure time with that no-good plumber and his gang to lull them into a false sense of security! It makes nabbing the princess and stealing from the royal coffers that much easier, you see. It's all part of the ole strategy."

"Sure..." Ganondorf says with a disbelieving smirk. He extends a hand to his pal. "Until we meet again."

Bowser shakes the offered hand. "Looking forward to it, as always."

The two villains with a very low track record of success head back to their respective kingdoms, ready to face a new day locked in combat with their eternal nemeses.


End file.
